The next day I went to work. I was distracted, and again I could not eat. I tried to choke down crackers and Coke, but just felt gaggy. I was tired, but energized. I felt sharp, wired, caffeinated.
As I lay down to bed that night, I wondered where my mind was going. It felt unharnessed, like it had jumped its tracks. Racing thoughts…..spinning gears….the documents in my brain’s hard drive were shuffling and re-shuffling like a deck of cards.
I went to work on Wednesday having had no sleep since Sunday night. I kept reassuring myself that it was no big deal. People operated on little or no sleep all the time. And I believed my Dad’s refrain: “Your body will sleep when it needs to.”
I actually felt pretty effective at work. Multitasking came naturally.
That night, when I lay awake while the alarm clock teased me, I started worrying that something was pretty wrong with a girl who could not eat or sleep. I knew I was sick, but with what I had no clue. So I made a list of things I needed to do at work to be caught up in the next week, because my gut told me I would have to miss some work to tend to myself. Then, at 2:45 a.m., I got in my car and drove to Capital One and worked for a good two hours. I tidied up my desk and left a couple of notes of instruction for my boss. The good thing about working in the movie Office Space is that you are totally disposable and not many people will miss you if you’re gone.
That was the last I saw of Capital One for over a month.
******
On Thursday I begin having bizarre thoughts. I felt like I was very close to Jesus and God. In my sleep-deprived state, I wondered if perhaps I was Jesus?
On Thursday morning I watched Later Today on NBC. Florence Henderson interviewed Michael Clarke Duncan from the Green Mile. He spoke about how special it was to play a man who could heal people through touch. He said it gave him an inkling of what it felt like to be Jesus. I thought, “My God! He feels like I do!” Surely the lack of sleep was playing tricks on me. How crazy it sounds to say you feel like Jesus! But to be sure, I felt a huge capacity for love, and a tremendous empathy for those around me. All the while, my mind continued to race and leap and somersault in a hundred different directions.
Thank you for posting on my Bipolar vs. Religion article (http://www.associatedcontent.com/article/1591707/bipolar_disorder_and_structured_religion.html). I read some of your blog. I can't name the number of times I have felt exactly as you describe in these posts. I commend you on starting your blog also. Through writing I was able to meet a world of people who knew what I was going through and helped me. I feel writing is not only an outlet for your own feeling but to let others know they are not alone. Keep up the good work!
ReplyDeleteThank you Carla. For reading and for commenting. Please share with those you think would like the blog.
ReplyDeleteUgh! The not eating thing is the worst! Especially because everyone can notice it. I can hide my anxiety, lack of sleep, even control my temper (sometimes), but what do you say when everyone else is eating and you can't? They'll let it go for a day or two, but it's been over a week since I've had a bite to eat during the day. It sucks trying to think up excuses for people who I'm not "out" to.
ReplyDeleteCheck out my new blog too!
http://graduatingfromgod.blogspot.com/
Ummmm... sorry. My blog is at
ReplyDeletehttp://morethansurvivingbipolar.blogspot.com/
Wrong cut and paste.
Erica-
ReplyDeleteI remember feeling exactly like you do. I couldn't even chew food....I just got nervous looking at it on my plate. After ten years, I still feel gaggy in the mornings. I also know what it's like to be in the bipolar closet. It's like a chess game that you can never win. Have the courage to share your secret if it can help you be well. I have always been astounded at the support I get from surprising corners when I say I am bipolar. Thanks for sharing your blog with me.