Thursday, November 11, 2010

Still no sleep

Andy was shaken by all of this. He was trying to comfort me and encourage me to eat and make our apartment amenable to sleeping. But he knew he could not handle this alone. He sent me to my doctor who gave me a sleeping pill. Also on Thursday, we called my parents who were on a cruise in the southern Caribbean. They were not due to fly back for several days, but they quickly discerned the gravity of the situation and arranged to get back on Saturday.

I kept trying to eat, to no avail. I couldn’t even swallow. But boy could I talk! My speech was stream of consciousness. To me it made perfect sense: the leaping from one unfinished thought to another, full of purpose but absent direction. I felt I could not talk fast enough to keep up with the rapid firing pistons in my brain.

When I went to the drugstore to get my sleeping pill, I had the most unusual feeling (although I soon learned that a panoply of new feelings were in store). I felt like others were looking at me with recognition. As if they knew me, but more than that. As if they knew I was special, touched, destined to do great things. Could they know I was the Second Coming? Had they been waiting for me all along? They seemed to look on me with joyous expectation. They looked at me unflinchingly and kindly. Looking back on it now, I think it more likely was concern that I saw in their eyes, and a sweet sympathy for someone who looked as sick as I did. But I wonder….

On Thursday night I tried to relax before bedtime by watching “Who Wants to be a Millionaire.” This was a strange experience. I swear Regis Philbin looked right at me several times and asked me if I knew the answers. I also felt like I could transmit correct answers to the contestants, telepathically. I knew all the answers.

By Friday morning I was terrified. Four days and nights without sleeping or eating. We tried to call my parents again, but it was virtually impossible to reach them and the call cost a fortune per minute. My mother has a recurring dream that she is trying to call one of her children and cannot get through either because she cannot remember the number, cannot see to dial the number, or the line goes dead. That’s what it felt like on both ends.

I do remember asking my mother over the phone if she trusted me. Perhaps a sensible request for someone who thinks they are the almighty saviour, but it had to be scary for my mom to know she HAD to trust me because she was an ocean away. To be truthful, she had to trust Andy, and he did very admirably in a time of crisis. This trust concern will be a theme for my mother and me. Fast forward ten years and we will hear Mom’s final answer.


  1. This all sounds absolutely normal to me! ;) Whenever I prayed, I would always exclude "pray for us sinners..." (If we were born in the image and likeness of God...we were born perfect.) Nice to read articles written by like-minded people. There's nothing wrong with you! You are a wise woman...

  2. Your comment means so much to me Maria! Keep reading and share with friends.

  3. Hilary,
    I was remembering a quote that I have always loved... "Who's hands are our hands but God's hands" St. Teresa

    I believe that says it all!

    I just came from a website that talks about St. Teresa of Avila and her experience with the divine. Here is an excerpt:

    "Even St. Teresa was constantly challenged. Some people, even religious and church members with authority definitely thought she had gone off the 'deep end'. Teresa, as Jesus, made many enemies. This always happens when someone introduces needed change. Keep in mind, that Teresa was herself dramatically changed.
    Teresa thought, at times, that she was going 'mad' due to the infinite and 'unreal' graces received through prayer. This labeling of 'unreal' is not because it did not conform to reality but it encompassed a different heavenly reality that is so breathtaking that it seemed incredible or unreal to experience or express."

    "God can touch any creature's soul, spirit, body and mind in amazing manners that are impossible to realize when they are faithful to prayer. They receive all they desire or could imagine including degrees of God's omniscience, omnipotence, omnipresence and untold numbers of God's attributes. This makes one wonder if one is sane because the person becomes immersed and absorbed in God. This results in being aware of an ocean of light, energies and beauty deeper than the universe. One becomes intoxicated with the infinite. It is impossible to describe, define or discuss. Silence is golden when it comes to explaining authentic and genuine prayer. Experience in prayer is everything and it can only be understood by living it rather than talking about it. Genuine prayer is deep intimacy."

    Hilary, I too, have combined the best truths of all religions and abide by the quote of the Dalai Lama.."My religion is Kindness!"

    And, for me, the word, prayer..I believe is synonymous for meditation.

    Many Blessings!

  4. I'm floored that you mention Teresa of Avila. She is special to me and you will see me talk about her in this blog. I have certainly traveled to a new dimension, an internal dimension, a transparency dimension. Like her, it seemed at times as though I were mad, but now I recognize how special these moments when the veil is lifted truly are. I know we will all soon SEE. And it is thrilling.

  5. You shouldn't be surprised that I mentioned St. Teresa. I believe there are no coincidences. I am sure it is something auspicious...because originally I wasn't going to mention her. We are all connected and like-minded people do just that..we think alike! ;)

    Have a blessed day!

  6. Yes, I believe fate and magic and luck and coincidence and deja vu are all on the same dimensional wave.....time and space and place and person tumble together like so much lava in a lamp. Where I've been there are infinite dimensions and you get little alerts all the time that tell you that you have fallen down the right rabbit hole, the only rabbit hole for you. The best feeling is realizing we are all in the same rabbit hole, and it's not a hole but a grand sweeping vista.


God, to have these guys in a room together again....