Sunday, December 19, 2010

Why I stopped blogging

So I owe you an explanation for why I quit blogging.

There are times when I am inspired and purposeful and committed to the message in my writing. The message that breaks through the veil and leads us all to heaven on earth. The message that is light and truth and love, the theology that changes the game and vanquishes doubt and confusion and quibbling over whose faith is the right faith.

But then there are times when I remember that I am ill. When I look at my writing and see Russell Crowe's nonsensical rambling in A Beautiful Mind. When I say my illumination is just crazy raving. When I give up on my calling.

At these times, the dull throbbing pulse of organized Christianity----the Christmas carols and nativity scenes and Christmas cards and energy of millions of people shopping and wrapping and waiting----when all that beats like a drum in my head, like a heartbeat, and I feel drawn back into the Church. Into the safety of being in a pack of lemmings marching off a cliff. I feel drawn back into the flock and I like it for a while. It requires little effort and less thought. It's like sleeping. I don't mean to say that all of Christianity is an's just the rote, unthinking part that I can't bear.

So I stop blogging about Graduating from God and want instead to run back into His arms. I want the soft silk of the security blanket that is religion. The irresistable sound of Silent Night in a dark church. I go to Church.

Because I get tired of being the author of a new religion. Tired of standing alone and apart from the sea of lemmings. At these lonely times, I fall back into the Christian rhythm and tell myself anything counter to that is crazy.

But then I realize that when I stand outside of that pack of lemmings, I am not alone. I have Nathan. When I tell Nathan I give up on my calling to change the world, that I relent under the weight of "we do it this way because it's how we have done it for two thousand years," he says "you can't give up. You can't unring the bell. You can't unshine the light that has filled your life. Your message is not crazy. I believe in it and I believe in you and I know you can change the world if you keep at it."

I think about that for several minutes. Nathan has said before that he feels like Simon Peter, Jesus' best friend, walking by his side, lifting his spirits and offering encouragement when the prophet's road seems long and lonely. I think, what would Simon Peter have done if Jesus had looked at him and shrugged and said "My bad, just kidding, forget what I have told you. It's all nonsense...I'm tired and I give up. It's too hard. Sorry for your trouble friend, find another mission." How could he give up on those who believe in him? How could he say his revelations are nonsense when others, others who are not plagued by mental illness, say they are truth. How can I turn my back on what I have been called to do? Nathan says it's not fair and it's not right to quit now.

He's right. I've got to keep at it. The veil has been lifted for me and I cannot go back to the darkness.

I won't guarantee that I will write every day, but I won't quit either. I will continue to share my writing and I will make a difference yet.

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God, to have these guys in a room together again....