I've adjusted my medications in the past two weeks (under doctor's instruction) and here's what's going on.
When I am manic there are two places I go, either one or the other: 1) a bitchy, short tempered, judgmental, scared place or 2) heaven.
This week it's felt a bit like I am headed to number 2. I have had a few glimmers of feeling one with love, radiantly happy, perfectly in step with the universe.
The first was after I had spent some time Twittering about what heaven feels like and looks like. I felt very peaceful, very joyous. I look up at the setting sun and something special happened.
When I have been in my darkest hour, suicidal, terrified, crazy, I can close my eyes and see a small orb, glowing in the back of my eyelids. If I focus on that orb and believe that as long as I can see it things will get better, I always recover my balance. I equate that orb with the sun, and thus have a special fondness for the sun. I look at it and see evidence that the universe will provide for us as long as the sun is shining. I understand sun-worship.
Anyway, two days ago when I looked at the setting sun, it shone especially bright. It was glowing with a steady warmth and seemed like it was sending energy my way. But the energy was reciprocal, I was pouring strength back into it as well. It feels sometimes like the sun is shining on me in particular, saying "we are counting on you to shine your light over the world, hang in there, stay on your path, I will always be here to send you strength." It feels like an infinite energy share between me and the sun, with no waste and no power source needed on earth. Perfectly efficient. Sounds crazy right? Well when I feel that special relationship with the sun, I know I could be headed to heaven.
Then yesterday, another glimmer lit my way. I was driving and thinking about summer, playing softball and volleyball, playing on the lake, enjoying the great weather. I thought of one of my favorite songs from summer days: Boys of Summer. Within 5 seconds that song started playing on the radio. Coincidence? Then I got home and looked in the mailbox and saw the Sports Illustrated cover with "Boys of Spring" on it. These coincidences of luck and fate happen with increasing regularity when I go to the manic heaven. It feels like the universe can read my mind and sends signals back to me to assure me and delight me. Again, a two way energy street. A suspension of dimensions. A synchronicity of my brain and the world around me. Perfect balance, symmetry, concordance.
So I am keeping an eye out for more glimmers. My husband is well aware of the glimmers and we are both paying attention to more signs of mania. As promised, if I do get back to heaven I will blog from there.
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